on thursday, march 22, at about 3:30 in the afternoon, my friend, tylar “freedom” varela hung himself. he hadn’t been at school for basically the entire week. his body was found hanging from a tree in a park right by my house… he was found by the JV baseball team that was practing there. literally a 2-minute walk from my house. i don’t know what’s more upsetting… the fact that he’s gone, or the fact that if only i could’ve gotten even a subtle hint… he could still be here. i know it’s not healthy to dwell on things like this, but it just seems so shitty. we lose a teacher to a car crash in ‘11, now we lose a student in ‘12… in his graduating trimester. i guess i really just don’t understand what could drive someone to actually end their own life like that. i mean, i had struggles with mine, but man… wouldn’t putting that rope around your neck be terrifying? i really just don’t get it… but i wish there was something i could’ve done. he was so close to me, but i still knew nothing about it. absolutely nothing. not even a word. i had to get facts through mutual friends… friends of his girlfriend… not to mention, he did this on her birthday. her birthday for god’s sake.
how could someone be so fucking selfish to take themselves away from their friends like that? if he were now, i’d beat his fucking ass. but then again, i guess it’s also selfish in itself to want him here if he was really suffering that badly… i just want all of you guys and gals on here to know, if there’s ever anything, ANYTHING at all you could ever wanna get off of your chest, i’m usually at home or school. i’m on facebook. Devon Vigil. my picture is of me kissing my girlfriend on her cheek. or, my number is 616-606-5510. text me. talk to me. i want to help you. suicide is not a quick change of mind. i know this. so as long as you feel the way you do, i’ll talk to you. no prejudice. idc if it’s the silliest reason in the world to be suicidal or depressed, i’m still going to talk to you and comfort you. i want to help. i don’t want your friends to feel like i do.
this is a poem my friend posted on facebook after tylar’s death.
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
- William Ernest Henley
